Cockney will be dead in 30 years. At least, that’s what the people who worry about dialects say. The familiar London patois, famous the world over and reproduced with tender, loving inaccuracy by all those Aussies* shipped in by Holywood to do ‘British’ accents over the years, is apparently on the wane. Instead, we now have Mockney – a kind of middle class upgrade spoken by the chattering classes who are far too refined to get down off their Chelsea tractors to help scrape up a cyclist they’ve just squished but like to sound down on the street when they go slumming it in some poshed up pub in Peckham.
Apart from it’s distinctive sound Cockney is, of course, renowned for its rhyming slang which was devised as a kind of linguistic steganography – you could hear a conversation was being held but the meaning was deliberately obscured in words and phrases understood only by those in the know.
So it is with Fockney, the new rhyming slang for digital forensic folk. While our terminology is already rarified, it can always be made even more inaccessible. Helps to make sure the judge and jury get a nice afternoon’s nap.
Here’s a handy reference and a practice text to help you on your way:
Vicious and vile – evidence file ( “Sid” or “Sidney” Ref: Sid Vicious)
Bored and fraught – Court
Aid and abet – Internet (“Ada”) otherwise known as:
Incy – the Web (Ref: Incy Wincy Spider)
Drainpipe trouser – Browser
Lady Godiva – Screw driver
Joe Cocker – Write blocker
Ebb and flow – Tableau
Frolic and frisk – Hard disk
Babbling brook – Facebook
Gary Glitter – Twitter (“the Gary“)
Smelly feet – Tweet
Tell-tale – email
Burger – a Mac computer
King and Ace – EnCase
Pay and display – FTK (generic)
Bruce Lee – FTK3
Duck and dive – registry hive
Hit and miss – hyberfile.sys
Leer and lech –prefetch
Emerald Isle – page file
Willy Wonka – plonker
Brad Pitt –
1) a disagreeable fellow, likely to let you down (“He’s a right Brad”)
2) to answer the call of nature
J. Arthur – historical meaning unchanged
Beef tea – F3 (reference to what’s needed to get over the alcohol poisoning you’ll give yourself during the annual conference)
England World Cup Squad – crap, in anyone’s language.
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OK. Now let’s see how you get on with the following sample passage:
Nous voici dans le unit de crime hi-tech.
Whoops, sorry, slipped genre for a minute there…
The scene: a cramped and sweaty Hi-tech unit in the deepest depths of Sarf Landan..
What’s the score, then?
4-0 to Germany, I think.
Don’t be a Willy Wonka…
Oh, right. Still waiting for Bruce to crunch that Deptford murder. ‘ere, chuck us a Lady will ya? This one’s busted.
What’s that you’ve got?
Some kind of old Burger. There’s always three million screws in the damn things and none of them ever go back how they came out. You got much on?
Another couple’a Frolics on that Hackney case.
D’ya get much off that one you did Friday?
Na. Used somethin’ to wipe the Ducks, didn’t they.
Bit of Drainpipe history. And they’ve been on Babblin’ That’s about it. Going to give Hit-an’-miss a quick shuftie but there’s not enough time for that and the Emerald. The boss wants…
Blimey, look at this that’s just popped up on the Gary ! Bet he meant to DM that Smelly!
You’ll get killed doin’ that on duty…
Coffee break, ain’t it… Looks like there’s a right old flame fest goin’ on somewhere out on the Incy..
Well whatever it is, stay out of it. Like my wonderful, grey-haired ol’ mother used to say (wipes tear from eye) : If you can’t say something nice..
…DM all your mates and slag ’em off behind the scenes instead.
Right. Well, best be off. Due in Bored and fraught at 10.
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* Sorry guys but, you know… Look, Brits can’t do Oz or Kiwi, either. Fair?