Lern yerself ‘Fockney’ – Forensic rhyming slang

Cockney will be dead in 30 years. At least, that’s what the people who worry about dialects say.  The familiar London patois, famous the world over and reproduced with tender, loving inaccuracy by all those Aussies* shipped in by Holywood to do ‘British’ accents over the years, is apparently on the wane. Instead, we now have Mockney – a kind of middle class upgrade spoken by the chattering classes who are far too refined to get down off their Chelsea tractors to help scrape up a cyclist they’ve just squished but like to sound down on the street when they go slumming it in some poshed up pub in Peckham.

Apart from it’s distinctive sound Cockney is, of course, renowned for its rhyming slang which was devised as a kind of linguistic steganography – you could hear a conversation was being held but the meaning was deliberately obscured in words and phrases understood only by those in the know.

So it is with Fockney, the new rhyming slang for digital forensic folk. While our terminology is already rarified, it can always be made even more inaccessible. Helps to make sure the judge and jury get a nice afternoon’s nap.

Here’s a handy reference and a practice text to help you on your way:

Everyday terms:

Vicious and vile – evidence file ( “Sid” or “Sidney” Ref: Sid Vicious)

Bored and fraught – Court

Aid and abet – Internet (“Ada”) otherwise known as:

Incy  – the Web  (Ref: Incy Wincy Spider)

Drainpipe trouser – Browser

Lady Godiva – Screw driver

Joe Cocker – Write blocker

Ebb and flow – Tableau

Frolic and frisk – Hard disk

Babbling brook – Facebook

Gary Glitter – Twitter (“the Gary“)

Smelly feet – Tweet

Tell-tale – email

Pearly KIng

Not a Pearly computer examiner

Burger – a Mac computer

Specialist terms:

King and Ace – EnCase

Pay and display – FTK (generic)

Bruce Lee – FTK3

Duck and dive – registry hive

Hit and miss – hyberfile.sys

Leer and lech –prefetch

Emerald Isle – page file

Miscellaneous

Willy Wonka – plonker

Brad Pitt –

1)  a disagreeable fellow, likely to let you down (“He’s a right Brad”)

2) to answer the call of nature

J. Arthur – historical meaning unchanged

Beef tea  – F3 (reference to what’s needed to get over the alcohol poisoning you’ll give yourself during the annual conference)

England World Cup Squad – crap, in anyone’s language.

* * *

OK.  Now let’s see how you get on with the following sample passage:

Nous voici dans le unit de crime hi-tech.

Whoops, sorry, slipped genre for a minute there…

The scene: a cramped and sweaty Hi-tech unit in the deepest depths of Sarf Landan..

Mornin’ Jim

Mornin’ Harry

What’s the score, then?

4-0 to Germany, I think.

Don’t be a Willy Wonka…

Oh, right. Still waiting for Bruce to crunch that Deptford murder. ‘ere, chuck us a Lady will ya? This one’s busted.

What’s that you’ve got?

Some kind of old Burger. There’s always three million screws in the damn things and none of them ever go back how they came out. You got much on?

Another couple’a Frolics on that Hackney case.

D’ya get much off that one you did Friday?

Na. Used somethin’ to wipe the Ducks, didn’t they.

Unallocated?

Bit of Drainpipe history. And they’ve been on Babblin’ That’s about it. Going to give Hit-an’-miss a quick shuftie but there’s not enough time for that and the Emerald. The boss wants…

Blimey, look at this that’s just popped up on the Gary ! Bet he meant to DM that Smelly!

You’ll get killed doin’ that on duty…

Coffee break, ain’t it… Looks like there’s a right old flame fest goin’ on somewhere out on the Incy..

Well whatever it is, stay out of it. Like my wonderful, grey-haired ol’ mother used to say (wipes tear from eye) : If you can’t say something nice..

…DM all your mates and slag ’em off behind the scenes instead.

Right. Well, best be off. Due in Bored and fraught at 10.

* * *

* Sorry guys but, you know… Look, Brits can’t do Oz or Kiwi, either. Fair?

Advertisements

Tags: , ,

11 Responses to “Lern yerself ‘Fockney’ – Forensic rhyming slang”

  1. happyasamonkey Says:

    Love it 🙂 Classic stuff! You missed a few though:
    Hocus Pocus – Forensic Focus
    Seat on the fence – Trojan defence
    Green eggs and ham – image of RAM
    Flirting and slop – F3 Workshop

    Keep up the good work.

  2. cettemx Says:

    And surely also . . . .

    dish and platter – eSATA
    cat and felix – HELIX
    sniff and snort – report
    lack lustre – cluster
    tomato puree – jury
    divorce and hell – Hotmail
    Bob Dylan – villain

  3. pwnerer Says:

    Immovable grate – solid state
    cain and able – cable
    Ron Jeremy – Big Endian

  4. Nik Says:

    A work of true genius 🙂

  5. kiashi Says:

    I know I’m a bit slow to comment on this, just discovered your blog but being an Aussie chick working in CF in London I just had to say….
    LOVE IT!! 😀

    • digitaldetective Says:

      Yay! Another girly geek! Thanks for the comment and you’re very welcome aboard.

      • kiashi Says:

        I’m just wondering if you would consider a guest post seeing as you beat me to the line with this blog and I probably don’t have enough interesting stuff to say to make a whole one for myself?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: