Posts Tagged ‘forensics’

Girlie’s Xmas Annual – Part I

December 15, 2012

Hello World!  

And welcome to Girlie’s Xmas Xtravaganza !

Well, the Festive Season is upon us and Girlie Geek Productions has been hard at work to bring you extra lolz.

We freely admit that it’s been far too quiet on this blog recently.

So now (drum roll… ) for your general delectation and delight, we bring you not one, not two but three snippets of humour to help get the party underway

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Colour Mag

Modern take on Durer's engraving of Eden

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Traditional Forensicator’s Xmas Quiz

Limber up, you Lab rats !  Answer the following questions as honestly as you can then count up your answers and see what category Forensicator you are !

1:  A solicitor calls wanting vital picture evidence off a mobile do you:

a) Tell them it’ll be £700 + VAT and it’ll take 30 days to process.

b) Ask for the make & model and give a truthful prognosis on likely results.

c) Tell them it’ll be 60 quid – just chuck it in a Jiffy bag & post it to the Lab.

2: You hear the Met contract is up for grabs, anyone pitching for it has to do a test case.  Do you:

a) Set the Lab’s best Rottweilers on it whilst charging their time to big-budget clients.

b) Take it too seriously & worry they’ve put Stego on there for a laugh.

c) Con Russ May into thinking it’s a real case & pay him to do it for you.

3: You win a large LE contract. Do you:

a) Sack the staff then get them back in on short contracts to maximise profits.

b) Rejoice for 15 minutes then worry that the weight of work might impact on standards.

c) Grab all the students and wannabies you can get your hands on to populate the mobile lab – they’ll only have to push buttons, anyhow.

4: The following statement describes how your organisation sees digital forensics:

a) It’s a gravy train – charge as much as you can for as little work as possible.

b) We eat, sleep and breathe forensics & have little else in the way of conversation.

c) Forensics? No time for that. Too busy making vacuous comments on Twitter.

5: The annual F3 conference is on.  How do you spend the time?

a) Visiting all the vendors just to hoover up the sweeties and freebies.

b) Virtuously on Day 1, pie-eyed on Day 2 & completely wasted on Day 3.

c) Dolling out booze and forensic goodies to favoured police officers in an attempt to curry favour.

6:  A nice fat civil case comes up but the box for analysis is a MacBook Air.  Do you:

a) Suck your teeth, whinge about how difficult it’s going to be and double your normal quote.

b) Dig MacQuisition out of the storeroom, pronto.

c) Know naff all about Macs but take it on anyway.

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Now check your score:

Mostly As – You are a medium to large scale forensic shop with nice modern offices in a reasonable location and enough contract work coming in to feel smugly secure. Good luck when you lose your main LE contract.

Mostly Bs – You are a small shop constantly taking on too much work for too little money and being way too thorough to cut much profit but you’re happy because you love the job and your clients think you’re heroes.

Mostly Cs – You are Kraptech Forensics.

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Part II coming after the break…

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Geekys’ Diary – War and Wyboston

July 2, 2010

Friday 2nd July, 1667

Up betimes about 7 o’clock and see the latest edition of Ye Economist is already laid out for me by my manservant, Grimace.  ‘Cyberwar – the threat from ye Internet’, screams the cover. I do wonder it has taken the media so long to wake up to the idea.  I stifle a yawn.   Reading, I am told that Cyberspace hath become the ‘fifth domain of warfare’ and this novelty followed by a breathless tale of how easily networks may be infiltrated and how dangerous stealthy is the rise of online crime and espionage.  It is a very comfort to knowe that, even as ye clouds of digital doom gather, the budget for both military and Lawe Enforcement is being slashed to the bone.

Pepys with iPad

This last hath been all the talk at ye ACPO conference at Wyboston this year, and I saw many a strong man weep into his beer over it.  And his whiskey, too.  Alas, I staid only one evening there, it being, effectively, a lock-out and none from ye private sector admitted except for the vendors of sundry Forensick tooles.   I am in the industry long enough to understand that they do enjoy making the thing unto an exclusive clubbe but methinks it doth go beyond the bounds to hang a sign inscribed: ‘All Coppers – Piss Off’ upon the door.

I had some pleasure on it, nonetheless, seeing many friends and hearing much gossip.  The people there did speak very badly of Paunchy O’Grouchy, for one.  This did surprise me, since he was long one of their number but now does lose respect on account of his attitude.  For he guards that forensick invention of his jealously and allows none to speak of another when they visit his coffee shoppe in Webbe Lane.  Some have found themselves ejected therefrom merely for mentioning other software.  I did concur with them that it would seem a contrary way to do business.

These are indeed strange times. While yet at Wyboston, I see a new forensick toole is vaunted which shall transforme the daily grind which is the lot of the analyst (do not they all?).  But though the miracle hath a name and a site be made for it on ye Internet, there is, as yet, nothing to buy.  This stops not the vendors from pushing it like mad and I am told many presentations are to be made about its manifold benefits.  Thence home, where a colleague who has attended one of these sessions doth text to say he is not convinced of the matter.  I wait to hear other opinions.

pigeon

Mr Geekys' AthlonII X4 Quad core Pigeon, Pye

I think to go to the Dog and Dongle for dinner but now comes Grimace in haste.  ‘Pye is come home, master,’ he calls, waving a note.  Some say Pigeon post be outmoded but our carriers may cross London walking faster than Vista Business boots.  So I to the office.  It is truly a great feature of FTK3 that a message be generated when an image be indexed complete.

sent from my iPad

Pron Crackers

May 6, 2010

There are many questions which trouble computer examiners as they settle down, with a world-weary sigh, for another long day at the  forensic interface.  Simple worries like, ‘What determines species diversity?’ and ‘Are we alone in the Universe?’ jostle with larger concerns such as, ‘Will there be any chocolate hobnobs left by elevenses?’ and What exactly was that crap I was drinking last night?’

Amongst such nagging imponderables nestle other unanswerable queries, generally associated with the job itself. Since most of us spend inordinate amounts of time trawling through thousands of sexual images, some of these inevitably relate to the astonishing diversity of distaste which is out there.

Here, then, is one such question.  All answers on an e-card…

If there’s MILF why is there not the male equivalent: FILF?  Like the female version, this rather appropriately named new genre would feature the more mature person, with or without posing pouch, in a variety of situations.

Instead of letting it all hang out in the kitchen or over the living room couch (complete with tacky, fake fur throw) your average FILF would be found in his own environment – the garage or perhaps the garden shed.  It’s amazing what you can do with some WD40 and a couple of spark plugs. Or a terracotta plant pot and a bottle of Baby Bio.  There would be no end of erotic symbolism to be found in the greenhouse, too, where easy access to a length of hose and a couple of ripe tomatoes would help redefine the dubious art of the single-entendre.

A prime candidate for FILF

The more adventurous FILF might choose a mixture of masculine metaphors for added piquancy.  Spread-eagled on a Gro Bag, lardy, white flesh glistening with a liberal smear of Swarfega and a monkey wrench held in a meaningful grip, he would drive onlookers wild with unrequited passion.  They would have to have more.  Broadband links would go into melt down as millions of sad, unfulfilled singletons hit the download button, then set up their Limewire to go in search of further titillation from 2 ‘til 5 am.

FILF would burgeon into a multi-million dollar industry and pron masters would compete to produce, new, ever-more vile versions of the style.  Tamer vids, such as ‘Kinky Kev’s Gardening Tips’ and ‘Sexy Simon’s Big End’ would be followed by ‘Mulch Madness’ and ‘Crankshaft Crazy’.  Then, in an attempt to stimulate the jaded consumer palate, would come the nasty hard core.  Home spun, beer-bellied beefcake would rule no more.  The professionals would move in and the whole thing would spiral out of control.

Soon, in Police stations up and down the country, raw shrieks of horror would be heard emanating from the Hi-Tech Crime Unit as the full effect of FILF was felt.  Case-hardened coppers would cringe at the thought of carving out images of smug, balding blokes with impossibly small appendages committing deviant acts at their Black-and-Decker work benches.  Officers would be issued with sick bags as standard and the day-to-day risk of exposure to FILF materials would become a serious health and safety issue.

Yes, then they would cry out for a return to normal abnormality.  For the cosy world of MILF, the comparative safe haven of the degradation of the female.

But the revolting realm of Pron would have changed.  Forever.

Hidden Hymn

December 17, 2009

There is something quintessentially British about the unique blend of gusto and gibberish which makes up a Gilbert and Sullivan operettaWhat is less well known, perhaps, is that Arthur Sullivan also wrote the music to the world-famous hymn ‘Onward Christian Solidiers’. 

It seems he also tried his hand at a lyric to the tune, which was later discarded.  Now, though, the sole surviving copy of that lyric has emerged – yet another extraordinary treasure recently found amongst a cache of forgotten manuscripts.

We are delighted to reproduce the full lyric here.

Tune:  St Gertrude by A. Sullivan

Hymn for the Unsung Heros

Onward First Responders, marching as to war,
With the ACPO Guidelines going on before.
Tableaus at the ready, armed against the foe,
Forward into battle see those White Hats* go!
(*LE singers may substitute “Blue lights” here. – AS.)

Refrain

Onward First Responders, marching as to war,
With the ACPO Guidelines going on before.

Dawn of retribution! Watch the suspects stare;
They and their Redeemer know what you’ll find there!
All their nasty surfing, docs and pix and more;
See, they fear the advent of the long arm of the Law.

Refrain

Image every hard drive, every USB,
Make a very detailed chain of custody,
There will be no tiny evidential fault
Bag and tag and walk the lot then slap it in the vault.

Refrain

Run it up in EnCase, data carve ‘til dawn
Bookmark hot and gmails, all the dodgy porn,
Short and sweet the statement witnessing the crime
Which gets them off the premises or even doing time.

Refrain

Like Olympic medalists going at full steam
Onward First Responders!  Ply that data stream!
Vanquish all the villains, work with all your might
Show the unbelievers just how ev’ry bit can byte

Arthur Sullivan plus computer

Arthur Sullivan at his other keyboard

All together now…

Onward First Responders, marching as to war,
With the ACPO Guidelines going on before.

The Book of Exifodus

December 9, 2009

Biblical scholars have hailed the most recent find amongst a cache of  lost literary works as nothing short of miraculous.  Now read on…

Exifodus, Chapter III

1. And there was, at that time, in the Land of Geek-i-on two nations.

2. And their names were the El-ee-ites and the Pri-vat-ites.

Moses with his netbook

3. Now the nations and the tribes thereof did live in that place as neighbours, yet they would not dwell together.

4. Worshipped they also at the the same temple, sharing the practices and rituals of their creed, Day-Tar-An-al-ysis.  Yet was there no love lost between them.

5. Thus went they about their business, ignoring each other for the most part.

6. But it came to pass that the Pri-vat-ites were fruitful and increased abundantly and multiplied and the land was filled with them.

7. Moreover, they grew rich off the fat of the land.

8. Then said the El-ee-ites to one another, the Pri-vat-ites getteth themselves a stack of shekels whilst we must labour hard and long to make a fraction thereof.

9. And they waxed wroth.

10. And there were those among them who rose up saying: Is not this land ours alone?  Did not the Lord give it to our forefathers forever, even unto the end of time?

11. For we are the peace-keepers in His house and the watchmen at His gate. And none may leave our courts unless we sign off countless reams of paperwork.

12. And there were others who said, this is right-wise galling.  Locketh we not away the evil-doers and the runners of red lights?  Where is our just reward?

13. But the Lord gave them no respite.

14. So it came to pass that many El-ee-ites took up their golden handshake and went out from their own lands and into the lands of the Pri-vat-ites.

15. And in the process of time, their numbers increased manyfold. For they perceived that their bretheren also grew rich in that place.

16. Thus it was that the throng increased until it became a multitude and there was an exodus of epic proportions.

17. Yea, even in every sense of that word.

18. Now many El-ee-ites found work for their hands.  Yet also did many fall by the wayside.

19. For though they set up on their own or with others of their kind, they found the game was in no wise as cushy as it first appearèd.

20. Verily, the days were many when the phone rangeth not at all.

21. For the followers of Day-Tar-An-al-ysis had become so great in number that the market-place was exceeding full.

22. Then was there a wailing and a gnashing of teeth, for a recession came also to the land of Geek-i-on.

23. And many that had jobs before now lost them, and those that were new to the field were left high and dry.

24. Then did the El-ee-ites mourn in their exile for their own lands, saying Was there not an over-abundance of stuff to be looked at every day? Even a Welsh mountain full of dodgy boxes?

25. And was there not also tea, cake, biscuits and canned drinks in abundance at all hours?

26. And they went unto their temples to call upon the Lord for guidance but there was no access day to day for any to come therein.

27. A great wilderness opened out before them and they became as strangers in a strange land.

28. Even the tribes of Re-cru-ter-ites who had once welcomed them now turned them from their doors saying Knowest thou not that For-en-sics is finishèd?  Therefore go we up into the pastures of e-discovery, for there the land runneth with milk and honey.

29. And they went on their way rejoicing.

Digital forensics – an historical perspective

November 27, 2009

Digital forensics is frequently said to be a ‘new’ science.  In fact, rummaging around in other people’s bits and bytes looking for evidence of their nefarious actions is a time-honoured occupation. There are those who would scoff at this assertion.  But this week’s sensational discovery of a cache of previously unknown manuscripts from the hands of famous writers will give the doubters pause for thought.

These fragments of lost literature, found in the recess of an antique commode sent up to auction by an anonymous owner, have been hailed by experts as an important breakthrough and palpable proof that past generations knew at least as much about the theory and practice of digital forensics as we do today.

In the best, ground-breaking traditions, this blog makes its debut by bringing you exclusive excerpts from these extraordinary texts.